She Saved My Life: How Maddy Pulled Me From the Darkness and Led Me to Christ

I need to tell you about the person who saved my life.

Not in some metaphorical, poetic way. I mean she literally kept me going when I was at war with myself—when depression, overthinking, anxiety, and the fear of not living up to expectations as an adult were tearing me apart. She stayed when any rational person would have left. She prayed on her knees for a man who didn’t deserve her. And she led me to the God who would transform everything in my life.

Her name is Maddy. And this May, I get to marry her.

The Beginning: When Loneliness Was All I Knew

I met Maddy when I was 17 at my mom’s house in Coeur d’Alene.

Before her, I was convinced I was destined to be alone forever. I’d lost people who were close to me—friendships had ended, connections had dissolved. That deep, aching loneliness that makes you feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you? I lived in that every single day.

Then Maddy walked into my life, and everything changed.

We immediately clicked. Not just surface-level conversation—we went deep immediately. My soul longed for her soul in a way I’d never experienced before.

That first night we met, we stayed up the entire night having deep conversations. We kept resolving to go to sleep, but then we’d start talking again. Before we knew it, the sun was rising. That’s how fast time flew when our souls connected. Hours felt like minutes.

We started what felt like a fairytale relationship, the kind you read about but never think happens to people like you.

But here’s what nobody tells you about fairytales: they’re built during the darkest chapters of your life.

The Darkness I Couldn’t Escape

During that early period with Maddy, I was at war with myself. Not the can’t-get-out-of-bed kind of struggle, but the kind where nothing feels like it has purpose. Where overthinking every decision paralyzes you. Where anxiety about the future consumes you. Where the fear of not living up to expectations as an adult weighs you down constantly. Where you just want to chase hedonistic pleasures because nothing else seems to matter.

I felt so lonely before Maddy. But even with her in my life, the war in my head didn’t just magically disappear. It clung to me like a shadow I couldn’t shake.

I need to be clear about something: I had family and others who supported me a ton during this time. My parents, my friends, people who cared about me and tried to help. This wasn’t their fault. The struggle was mine. They did everything they could, but I was the one who couldn’t see a way out. And honestly, I was really good at hiding it. Most people had no idea how bad things were.

Every day Maddy showed up. Every day she hung out with me. Every day she gave me a reason to keep going.

She gave me purpose when I had none.

But it got harder.

The Worst Chapter: When I Was Mad Every Day

After we moved out together, that’s when the darkness reached its peak.

The stress of adult life hit me like a freight truck. I was barely staying afloat financially because of my bad habits and lack of self-care. I was the fattest I’d ever been—230 pounds of self-hatred wrapped in a body I didn’t recognize.

I truly hated myself. Every fiber of who I was felt like a failure.

And here’s the part that kills me to write: **I was either crying every day or mad about something every day.**Constantly on edge. Constantly frustrated.

And again, I need to emphasize: my family and others were there for me. They supported me. They tried to help. But I was drowning in my own head, and I couldn’t see the lifelines they were throwing me. Plus, I was really good at hiding just how bad it was.

The problem wasn’t them. The problem was me.

And I took it out on Maddy.

I constantly critiqued her. I was the guy Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:3-5—the one with a log in my eye judging someone else’s splinter. I’d get so mad at her for leaving her hairbrush out, meanwhile I had all my clothes everywhere. I’d criticize her for little things while being blind to my own way bigger issues.

Every. Single. Day.

I felt like I was failing at everything. And as you know from my last post, failure is my worst fear. I was living in my nightmare, unable to escape.

And during that time? Emotionally, I didn’t treat her how I should have. She didn’t deserve any of it.

The Woman Who Stayed

But she stayed.

She bore a weight she should never have had to bear. A weight that wasn’t hers to carry.

And through it all—through my daily breakdowns, through my meanness, through my self-destruction—she was smiley. She was happy. She was loving.

She showed grace before either of us even knew what grace truly meant. Before we were devout believers, before we understood the gospel, she was living it out toward me.

She kept me around. And if I’m being completely honest, she kept me alive.

She stayed with me when I definitely didn’t deserve it. When most people would have—should have—walked away, she dug in deeper.

The Long Road Out

Things slowly got better. Very slowly.

I started adapting to the weight of adult life. She helped me climb out of that hole, one day at a time. Not by fixing me—you can’t fix that kind of internal war like that—but by just being there. By refusing to let me face it alone.

I started losing the weight. 230 down to 172. The physical transformation happened as the mental fog began to lift, bit by bit.

But the most important transformation was still coming.

The Day Everything Changed: When She Found Christ

About a year ago, Maddy found Christ. Or really, Christ found her.

She got really deep into her Bible. Like, every single day, reading and studying and seeking. She insisted we find a church.

And I’ll be honest: I was opposed.

I didn’t want my lazy Sundays taken away. My work at Black Box VR gives me a lot of purpose—I’m passionate about what I do there—but it’s also a lot of work. I was doing so much around the house too, and Sundays were MY day. My time to do nothing and just exist without pressure.

But Maddy kept pushing. Gently, lovingly, persistently.

Reluctantly, I went to church with her. We found Oasis City Church.

And I hated it.

I thought it was fine for the moral lessons, good to be in that environment, but I wasn’t connecting. I figured we’d go, check the box, and I’d get my lazy Sundays back eventually.

The Season of Almost Breaking

Maddy kept encouraging me. She kept reading her Bible every single day. And I thought she was being too “Bible-y.”

I still remember asking her if she was just going to play worship music all the time. If she was just going to be so Bible-y forever. We fought about it. A lot.

At some point, we were probably a few days away from breaking up.

I was about to lose her because I couldn’t see what she was trying to show me.

But again, as is her character, she stuck with me.

I knew she was almost done. I could feel it. But she gave it one last push. One last attempt.

She prayed and cried on her knees—privately, where no one could see—for God to find me.

Not for herself. For me. The man who was resisting everything she was trying to share. The man who was mocking her faith. The man who didn’t deserve another chance.

She prayed anyway.

The Moment: When God Found Me

And then, it happened.

He found me. God opened my heart.

I can’t explain it because it wasn’t something I did. It was Him answering Maddy’s prayers. He broke through the resistance. He opened my eyes to what Maddy had been showing me all along.

Something fundamental changed in me. The fire that had been burning in her heart—He lit it in mine too.

Suddenly, I understood. I understood why she was so “Bible-y.” I understood why worship music moved her. I understood what she’d found that was so much bigger than our relationship, our problems, our circumstances.

She had found God. And through her faithfulness, her prayers, her refusal to give up on me—God used her to lead me to Him.

It was all God.

The rest, as they say, is history. But it’s not just history. It’s my present. It’s my future. It’s everything.

What She Actually Led Me To

Let me be crystal clear about what Maddy has done for me:

She led me to the war in my head ending. During those darkest days when I was either crying or mad every day, when depression, overthinking, anxiety, and the fear of not measuring up were crushing me—finding Christ gave me a reason to keep fighting. She led me to Him. That changed everything.

She led me away from a life of emptiness. Before Christ, I was destined to wander through life alone, never truly connecting, never belonging, never knowing real love. He filled that void.

She led me out of my self-hatred. My anger, my inability to see any worth in who I was—Christ showed me my worth when she showed me Him.

And most importantly: she led me to Christ, which saved me from eternal damnation. She didn’t just help me through my struggles here on earth. By leading me to Him, she changed my eternal trajectory.

Finding Christ is the single most important thing I will ever do in my life. And she led me to it.

That’s what Maddy did for me. Not that she fixed me—she pointed me to the One who could.

The Woman I’m Marrying

I can truly say that Maddy is the most important, loving, and gracious person I have ever met.

This isn’t to diminish what I’ve brought to our relationship. I’ve sown into it tremendously. I’ve loved her, supported her, grown with her. This isn’t a one-sided thing.

But the reality is this: She saved me from the darkest moments of my life.

When I had nothing to offer, she gave everything. When I was mean, she was kind. When I was breaking, she held me together. When I was lost, she pointed me toward God.

The Proverbs 31 Woman (Well, Almost)

Maddy is a loving presence in our home. She exemplifies Christ in everything she does. She’s very close to being a Proverbs 31 woman—though she jokes that she doesn’t want that title because it means waking up before sunrise. (I can’t argue with that logic.)

But seriously, she embodies so much of what that passage describes. She’s always tending to our house. She does incredible work at her full-time job. She loves her family and friends deeply and sacrificially.

I can truly say she is the most selfless person I have ever met.

She constantly pours out from her cup even when it’s not being filled. She truly cares about other people—not as a performance, not for recognition, but because that’s genuinely who she is. She represents what true grace looks like in action.

She has the best character of anyone I know. And yes, I’m in love with her looks—she’s beautiful. But more than anything, it’s her character that captivates me.

Proverbs 31:30 says it perfectly: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (ESV)

That’s Maddy. Her beauty will fade one day (though not anytime soon!), but her character, her fear of the Lord, her selfless love—those are eternal. And those are what make me fall more in love with her every single day.

Looking Forward: The Next 60+ Years

This May, we’re getting married. And I am the luckiest man alive to join her in the covenant of marriage.

I can truly say that she is the best person I have ever met and my absolute best friend. Our relationship is God-centered and better than ever. The foundation we’re building our marriage on isn’t just love—it’s Christ. And that changes everything.

Here’s something beautiful that’s happened: I’m now the one leading our home spiritually. I dive deep into Bible study, I bring what I’m learning to our relationship, I make sure God and His Word come first in our decisions. But it’s truly a partnership. She has allowed me to step into that masculine spiritual leader position, and she has stepped back to where she belongs in her feminine role. I bear the weight that’s needed now—with God, rather than making Maddy carry it like I used to.

I feel happier than ever and luckier than ever for the gift that is Maddy.

I cannot wait for the next 60+ years together.

I can’t wait to build a life with her. To raise kids with her. To pursue God together. To grow old together. To face whatever comes, knowing that the woman beside me has already proven she’ll never leave when things get hard.

Because she didn’t leave when things got impossible. She stayed when I was at my worst. And that tells me everything I need to know about the woman I’m marrying.

To Maddy

Maddy, I know you’ll read this.

Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for staying when you should have left. Thank you for showing me grace before I knew what grace was. Thank you for praying and crying on your knees for me when I was mocking your faith. Thank you for leading me to Christ.

Thank you for seeing something in me that I couldn’t see in myself.

I love you more than words can express. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the man you saw in me even when I couldn’t see it myself.

You are my purpose, my partner, my best friend, and the greatest gift God has ever given me.

And when you walk down that aisle toward me, I’m making you this promise:

I will constantly chase you. I will constantly pursue you. I will make you feel special every single day. I will make you feel like the only girl in the world—because you ARE the only girl in the world to me.

I will never again make you feel how you probably felt when we first met. When I was depressed, purposeless, critical, and taking everything out on you. When I had a log in my eye while pointing out your splinters.

I promise to do everything I can to stay close with God. To bring you and our future kids close to God. To be the best godly man I can be—not perfect, but pursuing Him daily.

I promise to lead our family spiritually, to bear the weight with God rather than putting it on you like I used to.

I promise to see you—really see you—the way I did that first night when we couldn’t stop talking until the sun came up.

I promise to love you the way Christ loves the church. Sacrificially. Unconditionally. Forever.

You saved my life, Maddy. And I’m going to spend the rest of mine making sure you never regret it.

The Wedding

This May, I’m marrying the woman who saved my life.

We’re getting married in Coeur d’Alene—the same place where we met when I was 17. Where this whole story began. Where we stayed up all night talking until the sun rose because our souls couldn’t stop connecting.

I want to honor Maddy. To give her the respect and admiration she deserves.

When I stand at that altar and watch Maddy walk toward me, I’m going to remember every moment that led us here. The darkness. The constant anger and criticism. The fights about worship music. Her prayers and tears on her knees. The moment I found Christ.

I’m going to remember that she saved my life.

I am the luckiest man alive to be with you, Maddy.

And I can’t wait to spend the next 60+ years proving that to you every single day.

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“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” — Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)

That’s you, Maddy. And I will praise you, honor you, and love you all the days of my life.

I can’t wait to call you my wife.